Musings Of A Learner

I was a bold tomboy.

This was a time when people decided how you should behave, what you should wear, especially if you were a girl; how to speak and when to speak. It was a time when we were not encouraged to ask questions. I remember I used to be pushed to the back row of the class, whenever I raised my hand to ask a question. I was told to not run and play with boys. I was told to wear feminine clothes and not boyish shoes or clothing. As a result, I grew up to be a girl with a mix of bold and brave, peppered with a slightly ‘rebellious’ streak.

Teaching at the University

I started teaching at a University where, again, the way I had to dress, speak and conduct myself was reinforced. My colleagues thought of me as a rebellious mix of English culture, trying to find a spot in the students’ everyday curriculum totally dominated by the regional language. So I started fitting into their notion of an ideal teacher-cum-professor.

Who is Me?

One fine morning, the real I wanted to be recognised and kept knocking at my inner self to come out into the open. It took a while to come out of this shell. I headed for higher studies at a premier University where I was encouraged to be my own self. I could finally own my thoughts with pride, whether they were feminist, political, or just different; they were accepted.  Being different scored points and helped me crystallise my creativity.

This helped me grow into a better person. I found myself being able to make a point in discussions and meetings, and was glad that my true self was being accepted. I no longer had to look outside for acceptance because once you own yourself and your thoughts, acceptance comes from within.

I refused to be bound by labels like: the bold and beautiful, the brave and intelligent, and the unique and different. One day, I just broke away from what I was expected to be, what I wanted to be and entered into wedlock. This gave me time to mull over what my authentic self was all about. Which was the real me, and who was going to help me find it? I was too terrified at times to even dwell on this.

Years passed, motherhood kept me busy and I forgot about trying to find answers to these questions.

Is it that easy?

Being anyone but you is not easy as we would like to think. What’s terrible about this is that people around you will come up and say that you are wonderful as you are and this is the real you! Probably, this is the kind of thinking that kept women like me in false notions of their own self.

It didn’t take me long to realise that I could find a small crevice for my own self where I was able to freely express my thoughts, feelings and emotions. Perhaps, aging has helped me in this process. I guess I am at that age where I stop caring about what others think and how they want you to behave. Rather, it’s about being comfortable in your own skin and not the person others expect to see in you.

But let me tell you this- somewhere in the back of my mind, when I feel like expressing or writing something, I am held back by this conflict because for decades, I never felt the reason to find a solution.

Am I my true self or am I still what others want me to be?

To be or not to be, I guess, is the question.

[Pictures taken from third party sources]

I believe the world is incomprehensibly beautiful – an endless prospect of magic and wonder. I was walking by the road and there it was – unnoticed… in the wild… amidst tall trees, captivating flowers and bewitching landscapes. In a quiet corner grew this shrub of red berries.

Ripe juicy berries sweetened by the summer sun

Peeps under the bush between the green wintry leaves

Smiling succulent delights

I have a flair for noticing these things while others are in awe of structural beauty- palaces, churches and other monuments. Let’s not forget that nature always wears the colours of the spirit. Here the contrasting spirit of the red berries was the green shrub, the fallen leaves and broken tree stalk. I was totally enthralled by the diverse play of colours. The splendour of the natural world lies in the details.

It was a Cinderella moment! The red berries appeared like Cinderella – pale, subdued, modest and humble; daring to live in the dispirited environment and still standing out with her beauty. Those who find beauty in all of nature will find themselves at one with the secrets of life itself.

In another context I thought about how the teachers/parents work on nurturing children – show their faith in their abilities and help them excel and make a place for themselves in the world against all odds. In all things of nature there is something of the marvellous.

Looking at beauty in the world is the first step of purifying the mind.